Friday, May 27, 2016

Father Knows Best

Have you ever had days where you feel like you’re on the edge of bawling your eyes out but you don’t really know why?  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I envy you.  If you are nodding your head at the screen because you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, I feel ya, sister.  That’s how my day went on Wednesday.

My day started out like it always does.  I drug myself out of bed silently kicking and screaming on the inside (I’ve never been a morning person, y’all) and headed to the shower.  I wouldn’t even say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, the day just had a different feeling to it.  I headed off to work, which has been exceptionally trying this year, and as the day progressed it was as if all the tiny things that happened throughout the day each put a pebble onto my emotional scale, slowly but surely weighing me down and tipping the scale down towards ‘meltdown territory’.

After work I went home and flipped on the TV before I had to head off to my second job.  I scrolled through the DVR and selected a recent recording of ‘Outdaughtered’.  If you’ve never heard of this show it is about a young couple, Adam and Danielle Busby, their daughter Blayke, and their QUINTUPLETS.  Yeah, 5 of them, and ALL girls at that.  I’ve been following their story long before they were ever on TV.  I have spent a lot of time reading blogs of other women who struggle with infertility and Danielle’s happened to be one of them.  Their story started a lot like ours.  They got married, after awhile decided they were ready for kids, tried, and tried, and TRIIEEEDDD, and nothing happened.  They ended up doing IUI’s for over a year I believe before they got pregnant with their first.  They decided they wanted a sibling for Blayke so they started IUI’s again and after only TWO MONTHS they got pregnant again, but this time with five!

As I sat there watching Danielle on TV with those 6 children of hers, I was happy for her, truly. All children are blessings but I find myself feeling a bit different over the pregnancies of couples who have struggled with infertility.  I know the pain, the work, the money, the struggle of what they went through to get those beautiful children.  But as I continued to watch I started to feel that emotional scale start to tip even further as the thoughts crept into my mind of “We may never experience anything like this.  It is a very good possibility we will never see a positive pregnancy test, or a heartbeat on an ultrasound, or the excitement of feeling your baby kick.”

One of the side effects of this wonderful syndrome I have can be depression.  I’ve been pretty fortunate as that side effect hasn’t really been a huge issue, but there are definitely times where I feel like everything is going wrong and I have completely and totally failed at life and I can’t dig myself out of it.  Apparently Wednesday was one of these times... all of a sudden that scale broke, taking the flood gates with it and I lost it.  It was as if every little thing that had gone wrong, every negative thought that I had had about work, and the future, and life that I had let creep into my mind over the past few months all became one huge rock that had now fallen and I felt completely crushed by it all. 

I texted my dad who has always been a voice of reason in my life (whether I’ve always liked it or not is another story… hello high school), and you guys, I wish everyone had a dad who is as loving, and caring, and wise as mine.  This is what he told me, “Your Creator and Heavenly Father knows the answers to your questions.  He has a plan for you and has not forgot about you.  Start asking Him to open and close doors and provide you peace in your heart.  You have much to be grateful for.  Try to dwell on what you have and are doing while you seek guidance on what may be next.  Blessings dear daughter. Love you.”

If I thought I had been a mess before that message, you should have seen me after that.  Crocodile tears… like the kind that drench your shirt, make your eyes swell, and make sure you can’t breathe for the next two hours.  The part I needed to hear so desperately was this, “He has a plan for you and has not forgot about you.”  What powerful words you guys!  I think we all find ourselves, at some point in time, comparing our lives to those around us, wanting our lives to be as wonderful and TLC-miniseries-worthy as those who seem to have it all together.  I have felt all too often over the past two years that somehow, that big God up there had forgotten about little me down here.  Have You not heard our unending prayers?  Are You ignoring what You know are the desires of my heart?  Why have You forgotten about us?!”

Isaiah 49:15b-16: “I will not forget you.  See, I have engraved your name on the palms of my hands.”

And just like that, I felt peace. 

Yeah, I’m still stressing about work, and finding something I’m passionate about, and what the next step in our infertility journey will be, but for the time being I’m ok.  I’ve been reminded by both my fathers that I have not been forgotten, that there is a plan for my life, and I’m going to be ok.

Whether you believe there is a God or that the Bible is true know this:

You have not been forgotten, there is a plan for your life, and you’re going to be OK. Promise.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Am I Really Old Enough to be 28?!

Today is my 28th birthday.  I don’t feel like I’m old enough to be 28.  I sometimes have to do a double-take at my life. I moved away from my hometown, I live in a house that my husband and I own, I’m entrusted with responsibilities at work that sometimes floor me, I’m responsible for keeping another living thing alive (our dog, Ted) and I have to do my own taxes for crying out loud.  But when I planned for my future when I was younger I had so many different things in mind than what life has actually brought me.  I thought I had nailed down what I wanted to be when I grew up, that I would be working in a medical profession, I would be married with at least one if not two kids by now, I would be living in some really cool city, I would be wildly successful.

What’s that saying? If you want to make God laugh, try to plan your life.  Yeah, He must think I’m hilarious.  Or maybe He’s just being amusing Himself…

I’m 28 and I honestly have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.  But maybe that’s ok.  I am still able to dream of all the possibilities, I’m not locked into a profession that I paid tens of thousands of dollars to be qualified for.  Maybe one day I’ll be a writer, or I’ll travel the craft show circuit, or I’ll invent something, or I’ll join the WWE…the book is still wide open.

I’m 28 and the hubby and I don’t have any kids other than one ridiculously adorable fur baby named Teddy.  We imagined we would have had a kid or two by now, but maybe that’s ok.  We have walked through the struggles of infertility together and I believe we will come out stronger on the other side.  If we weren’t walking this road I would have never known how comforting Joe’s simple presence can be during a painful procedure or after getting disappointing news again…and again.  I wouldn’t know what it’s like to long for something so badly and know that there is someone else who feels exactly the same way.  Someone who knows how excited you are for others when they announce a pregnancy but also knows the coinciding heartache that comes with it. I wouldn’t have met the kind and compassionate people that work at our doctor’s office, and I wouldn’t have heard from so many women, ones I know and ones I don’t, who are walking the same road as us and the ones that have come out successful and give me hope that one day we will too.  We have family that loves us more than we can imagine and right now that is enough.

I’m 28 and I don’t live in some super awesome, really exciting, busy city.  I live in a small town in North Dakota with one stoplight.  We have 3 bars, 5 churches, and a Subway.  There honestly isn’t that much to do.  But maybe that’s ok, too.  Because when there aren’t a lot of places to go and things to do it gives a person the ability to spend a lot of time with friends.  And some of the friends we have made in this tiny North Dakota town are 10 times better than many you would find in some big fancy city.  Friends that will help you fix the lawn mower when your husband is gone and you don’t have a clue, friends that don’t hesitate to loan you their ladder and aren’t concerned about when it will be returned.  Or friends who aren’t alarmed when you just walk into their house unannounced, friends you’ll always see at the school events and games, friends that you know will always be at Wednesday night ‘ coffee’ even if you haven’t spoken with them all week.  Friends that will sit with you during hard times and ones that will celebrate BIG with you during the good times. Friends that you know you’ll spend weekends at the lake with, New Years with, Bison football games with, random celebrations and Cinco de Mayo with, and practically every Friday night after a hometown football game.

I’m 28 and I haven’t lost the ability to dream of what the future may hold, something not everyone can say.  I have a husband who loves me and is there for me, something not everyone can say.  We have a family that loves and supports us and some of the best people we are fortunate enough to call our friends, something that many people cannot say. Maybe ‘wildly successful’ means something completely different now at 28 than what I thought it did when I was 18.   If I’m able to say these things that so many people can’t maybe, just maybe, I’m more successful than I could have ever imagined.

So to all of you who have loved on me for my birthday, THANK YOU!  I feel incredibly fortunate to call you friends and know that I love you, too!